being REAL

feeling free

2011-07-04T09:57:00.001-04:00

Some people use the beginning of a new year as a time for establishing goals or a "fresh start" on whatever they feel they need to address. To a degree, I am among those people, but I also use many other dates as mental springboards for renewing efforts in areas I perceive as needing attention. The first day of spring, Easter, first day of summer, my birthday, and even the 4th of July are all

I will explain later...

2011-05-30T00:09:00.000-04:00

I have moved this blog to the following address: http://marlobeing.blogspot.com For now, any new posts will be made to both this and the new address, but eventually, the blog here will be deleted altogether.

old good news

2011-05-29T20:27:00.001-04:00

about two months ago I came across a story on CNN that made me happy for at least three reasons: 1. On a general note, I’m happy that finally, the military decided NOT to kick an individual out of service simply due to sexual orientation. 2. More personally, since I’m a fan of the Navy, I’m happy that the Navy was the first branch of the military to come to such a decision. My dad was in the

Feeling Fortunate

2011-04-04T19:57:00.001-04:00

In an effort to increase my sense of connection with my church community, I felt the desire to discuss my sexuality with a woman from church who visits with me at least monthly (yes, my visiting teacher). I don’t consider myself closeted, but within the church environment, conversation that has anything to do with my sexuality just doesn’t happen and I don’t feel the need to make any general

Happy Pride Baby

2010-06-30T22:26:00.001-04:00

Last Saturday I made the approximately two and a half hour drive to New York City to participate in the 5 mile Pride Run. This is the 29th year the race has been held and, at least, the third time I’ve run this race. I think I enjoy the race more each time, despite the fact that this year I am by far in the worst physical shape I’ve been in while trying to run. The majority of the 3,500

wheels spinning

2010-03-07T23:04:00.002-05:00

Three years ago I started this blog with the intention of using it as a means of getting out of my head (and heart) various experiences, feelings, and thoughts I have confronted while coming to a better understanding of my sexuality and how that sexuality would fit into my life. Currently, a great deal of those thoughts, feelings, and experiences remain unexpressed as I have perpetually

mixed blessings

2009-07-26T21:40:00.000-04:00

a couple years ago, maybe three now, in response to my then relatively new sorting through of homosexual attractions I made a decision to distance myself emotionally/spiritually from religious application. In general this meant, I put up walls and did not make any conscious efforts to actively apply my religious beliefs within day to day living. Specifically, this meant I stopped attending Relief

pervasive agendas

2009-01-28T20:46:00.003-05:00

while recently enjoying lunch with a friend, a significant amount of conversation was had regarding societal views of homosexuality and some of the negative stereotypes that persist. Following lunch, I decided to go to the drive through car wash. After I apparently fed my credit card erroneously into the reader, the following message came up on the display - "bad orientation". DAG, those

did not notice

2008-12-21T21:42:00.004-05:00

with the wind howling outside (wind chills currently in the single digits and projected to be below zero by morning) I am thinking of warm summer days. On one of those days this past summer I was visiting with my mom and sister. A couple of men walked by outside my sister's large living room picture window. They were nearly side by side and the older gentleman was closest to the window. I noticed

civility in section 425

2008-11-23T20:20:00.004-05:00

three weeks ago I had the opportunity to attend a Monday night NFL game in Washington D.C. I was excited to go as I had never seen a live, national football league game before and my favorite team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, was playing. However, I was a little anxious about showing up at the home field of the Washington Redskins wearing my Steelers jersey and baseball cap. As it turned out, there

Halloween Drag

2008-11-02T21:18:00.006-05:00

I have mentioned before my affinity for men's clothing. As a result of this affinity and despite having no legitimate reason to wear them, I own three ties. I've picked them up over the past couple years while happening to go through the men's section of department stores during some good sale and a certain pattern or color catching my attention. A couple days before Halloween, I thought, "hey I

that's what I get.....

2008-10-27T20:38:00.003-04:00

....for having a crush on an RM. No, I'm not referring to the LDS version of an RM (return missionary), but rather someone whose initials are RM. So as to not have my post show up on internet searches I will continue to refer to her as RM. She has done news commentary on satellite radio for some time and recently began a news commentary show on a cable television station. I also caught her

yes, I run like a girl...

2008-10-10T21:45:00.003-04:00

...try to keep up. So read one of the running shirts on sale at a "Health Expo" held for a couple days as a lead up to the Baltimore Running Festival. Me and my little feet will be covering the 13.1 miles of the half-marathon tomorrow (albeit very slowly). While traveling by foot for such distances my mind has a lot of time to think which means tomorrow might be more difficult mentally then

Bishop talk

2008-09-16T22:15:00.003-04:00

this past week I had a conversation with my Bishop that included some discussion regarding my sexuality. Including this one, I've had all of two conversations with my Bishop where this topic was discussed. He asked a general how am I doing question and I responded by explaining I was working through self built walls originally erected around the time I began dealing with my homosexual desires

remembering

2008-09-11T23:41:00.007-04:00

7 years ago today, I didn't cry. I was too angry and I refused to let myself cry. The national events of the day stirred up emotions of past personal experiences and all I felt was mad. The History channel showed a documentary this evening compiled completely of video taken by people who were in the midst of what happened in Manhattan. Today I cried....a little. Perhaps, one day I will overcome

psuedosecurity

2008-09-03T22:05:00.003-04:00

A relatively small, seaside town, Rehoboth Beach, has been an annual destination for me for the past four summers. The community is known (at least in gay circles) for being gay friendly. Among all the many shops, clubs, and places to eat, there are a number of establishments that are specifically geared towards gay clientele. Many other businesses not so specifically geared towards gays make a

Olympic observation

2008-08-20T20:26:00.002-04:00

there are a lot of good looking female athletes in the Olympics. I've always been a fan of the Olympics, love the Olympic ideal of the world peacefully coming together in athletic competition (even if that ideal is overshadowed by real world politics and commercialism), and enjoy watching the achievements of various athletes. But I have never before noticed the good looks of said athletes. Why is

bathroom observation

2008-07-15T20:19:00.007-04:00

at work....three stalls....middle stall the only available....After entering I notice that on either side of me are a pair of feet in open-toed sandals with brightly colored toe nails exposed. My feet? - Completely clad in a well-worn pair of Doc Martens.Hmm, I wonder who the lesbian leaning individual might be? :D

one less pamphlet

2008-07-09T17:49:00.003-04:00

I get to help out in the materials center at church. When the church published the pamphlet God Loveth His Children, written to LDS members who are attracted to their own gender, I quietly ordered some copies and placed them in the materials center in a multi-tiered rack that has a large array of various themed pamphlets. Over the past couple months a couple have been taken when I was not around

saved by the (school) bell

2008-06-29T22:34:00.004-04:00

two posts back, I mentioned my desire and hesitance at playing in a softball league this summer. I had just about convinced myself to go ahead and face the fear, but then, three weeks ago, I found out that a deadline for the final paper for my degree is in July not in December as I previously thought. Can you say crunch time? All other personal issues will have to be addressed at a later date....

missed timing

2008-06-17T21:39:00.003-04:00

for my job, I have a government issued id badge that I wear around my neck. Not only is the id necessary to show who I am to skeptical people wondering who is at their door, but also, without the id, I can't get into the building where I work. While walking back to my workplace after grabbing a bit of something to eat (read junk food), three people were walking in the other direction towards me -

rejoining the team.....

2008-05-12T21:32:00.002-04:00

....maybe. A few years back I played on a community softball team (yeah, place a check next to that stereotype). Some of my teammates would affectionately joke regarding the "token straight girls" on the team. We had a good time, enjoyed the summer hanging out with each other, and occasionally won some games.A week or so ago, as I entered the area in which they were standing, a coworker was

conference lines

2008-04-20T18:32:00.003-04:00

Watching General Conference is something to which I regularly look forward. All of the talks are filled with potentially beneficial information and instruction. I say potentially because what one takes from General Conference is mostly dependent upon one's individual circumstances (both internal and external). Three ideas stuck out to me with respect to living the gospel while being attracted to

crazy job stress

2008-04-13T23:10:00.002-04:00

I guess at least one positive comes from being quite nearly, completely overwhelmed with job demands - not much time or energy left over to even notice attractive human beings and much less be concerned with desires to develop same gender, romantic relationships. I might consider this kind of mentally and emotionally draining, job experience as a possible, long-term solution for dealing with sga

early publication

2008-03-31T19:31:00.003-04:00

a coworker of mine handed me a photocopy of an excerpt from an article published in a trade magazine in 1943 regarding the supervision of women employees. Two of my favorite points were the following:Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair

march birthdays

2008-03-02T22:50:00.002-05:00

two women with whom I had a friendship and who played a significant role in the initial year of my coming out both have birthdays in march within a week of each other. I no longer enjoy friendship with either of these women and both the friendships ended somewhat abruptly and with a good deal of hurt as I would have preferred to continue the friendships. ::sigh:: perhaps someday I will get

perspective

2008-02-24T13:32:00.007-05:00

Chapter 17 of first Nephi in the Book of Mormon is the chapter where Nephi is commanded by God to build a ship and Nephi's brothers give him a hard time about that. When reading this chapter recently, I noticed the different points of view Nephi and his brothers had regarding their wilderness journey to that point. Nephi talks about being greatly blessed by God in their journeyings, so much so

full disclosure

2008-02-19T21:31:00.004-05:00

the communication among the females in my family of origin has a certain flow. Among the four of us (Mom and two sisters), there is a general understanding that something said to one may be communicated to all. In the rare instance a reason might exist for not immediately sharing some bit of information, that fact is noted by the sharer and respected by the sharee. During a recent conversation

desk top view

2008-02-10T20:28:00.000-05:00

I had this pic of a good friend of mine that I quite liked (both the pic and the friend) that I used as my desk top background for a while. I really liked seeing her face whenever I turned on my computer. Course, as it turns out, seeing her face on my screen only led to me staring at her, which only led to me longing for the kind of relationship I can never have.::sigh::yeah, so the desktop pic

either or

2008-02-06T20:38:00.000-05:00

as I'm leaving the gym with my bag over my shoulder, I look down at the purse-like apparatus next to my torso and think, "I don't know, Marlo. This is bordering on looking girly." Perhaps it's the effect of exercise endorphins, but I comfortably smile, enjoying my moment of femininity. Just as I'm settled in this moment of feminine enjoyment, I reach my car, notice the contents of the passenger

Introduction

2008-02-05T23:31:00.000-05:00

Hello, my name is... (While thinking of writing another post, I imagined including internal dialoge in which I referred to myself by name. As that thought occurred, I first considered editing out my name, but I'm thinking I no longer have a need for an alias.) ...Marlo.Yes, that is actually the name by which I am known in the every day world, but I'll refrain from mentioning my last name. While

announcements

2008-01-30T20:19:00.000-05:00

a woman I am barely acquainted with, only through work, introduced me to her girlfriend. This woman's mother, present at the time, then mentioned that this woman and her girlfriend were engaged. Living in a semi-rural, rather conservative area, I was pleasantly surprised at the run of the mill, every day, ease with which this conversation occurred. And, I have to admit, I was a tad jealous of the

profile

2008-01-22T20:25:00.000-05:00

at the beginning of a meeting I briefly noticed one of the women present was what I would consider fairly attractive. Perhaps some 45 minutes later (it was a long meeting) I was surprised to notice that this same woman very much reminded me of a former friend with whom I had enjoyed a warm friendship and to whom I had been quite sexually attracted (the feeling had been mutual). Her hair, her

gym clothes

2008-01-19T22:33:00.000-05:00

nearly a year ago when I started reading blogs around these parts there seemed to be a semi-regular post by my moho brothers regarding the hazards (or opportunities depending on your perspective) of going to the gym. While I felt I could understand where they were coming from, the situation was not one with which I was personally familiar. For the most part, that remains true; however, while

not quite on time, but mission accomplished

2008-01-06T20:05:00.000-05:00

ok, I didn't make my end of the year deadline, but all desired family members are now aware of my attraction to women. I'm quite relieved to have that task taken care of and hence no longer have to be concerned with accidentally saying something that would require further explanation. The further explanation has now, already taken place. I feel quite blessed to have family members who don't think

tick tock

2007-12-31T22:10:00.000-05:00

somewhere earlier in the year when there seemed like an awful lot of the year remained in the future, I decided I would out myself to my family before the end of the year. Two of three family members have been informed which, of course, leaves one family member to go. I've got less than two hours now before the end of the year. Hmmm...

one for december

2007-12-30T16:10:00.000-05:00

I sure do miss blogging. I’ve kept up reading a number of blogs over the past few months, but am missing the semi-regular writing out of my own thoughts. These past months were filled with more work related stress than I have ever previously experienced and I can’t say I’ve done very well in managing that stress (read: weight gain, proper diet deterioration, near total loss of exercise routine,

beliefs create reality

2007-11-06T22:17:00.000-05:00

lately my material world is providing easy post content. today's post title is the heading on a hand out received in a grad class I'm taking. the course has an administrative focus and today's topic was team-building. under the aforementioned heading were a couple bullet points and a paragraph of text with the following simple statement: we have the ability to think in ways that can hinder us

chaotic resolve

2007-11-05T22:27:00.000-05:00

Plumb has an album title by the same name as I’ve given this post. I noticed the title while looking through some CD cases on my shelf and thought it was an appropriate description of my current life status. The past six weeks have been full of the highest combined stress level I believe I have ever experienced. Job related issues account for the vast majority of my stress levels with

apply freely

2007-10-14T20:57:00.000-04:00

While going through the process of developing relationships during my homosexual coming of age, I have found myself in the undesirable position of realizing my actions have either directly or indirectly caused hurt, if not, outright pain, to others. And these others have been people about whom I care very much. Some of the hurt has led to an end of friendships. Some has not. Either way, I have

alrighty then

2007-10-02T19:20:00.000-04:00

So Sunday I outed myself to my youngest sister, Leah. She would be the first individual from my family to whom I have spoken regarding this subject. I almost feel I should apologize to her for the way I went about bringing up the topic. Then again, I kinda want to laugh about it as well. We have one other sister, Loraine. In the midst of an otherwise, everyday conversation, Leah half-jokingly

simply

2007-09-21T22:47:00.000-04:00

I just love the gospel of Jesus Christ - Infinite possibilities, Endless hope.that's all for today.

money can't buy you love

2007-09-17T20:08:00.000-04:00

in the process of moving from one apartment to another, my punching bag had to be removed from an easily found attic beam and has yet to be mounted in what I'm calling my rec room. In order to mount the bag securely, I must, of course, make sure the mount is attached to a wall stud (a 2"x 4" , or something similar, behind the wall) which would be capable of bearing the weight of a 100 lb bag.

hey

2007-09-11T22:18:00.000-04:00

still alive, still trying to live the gospel, still lovin women, crazy busy, more to come at some point....

onward

2007-08-26T21:33:00.000-04:00

for perhaps over a year I've been telling myself I "need" to get back to the temple. Today during sacrament meeting, I felt the desire to go to the temple. I may yet find my spiritual self again. I've missed that part of me and welcome her return. I hope she sticks around for a while.

shift

2007-08-19T20:11:00.000-04:00

A shift in the weather occurred this week. The feel of fall showed up and nights are downright chilly. You know what? It’s freaking August and getting below 50° F just isn’t right. But I digress. I’m in the process of moving to a new apartment. Three months ago I was not even considering making a move, but an opportunity fell into my lap for much more living space (my current place is pretty

butterflies on crack

2007-08-13T22:04:00.000-04:00

you know that warm, fuzzy, fluttery feeling you get in your gut sometimes, otherwise known as butterflies? I was thinking about them butterflies as I thought about my reaction to having had an opportunity to spend some time with a friend. My friend and I very much enjoy each other and our friendship and there is some mutual attraction going on, but the bottom-line reality is that neither one of

still thinking

2007-08-04T22:22:00.001-04:00

why is it that when you realize a need for change, seemingly, all of a sudden temptations increase making the change more difficult to actuate?as part of my vacation, I spent a couple days in Manhattan, in and around Times Square, in New York City. The fact that larger than life female models are used in huge, colorful displays all over the streets is not news to me. However, finding any of these

thinking, thinking...

2007-07-29T21:43:00.000-04:00

A friend recently told me to "watch [my] thoughts". The need to do so is not news to me and I am quite aware that this is an area in which I need to pay more attention. This need was again brought to my consciousness today while doing some reading. The following ideas from an article in the July 2007 issue of the Ensign caught my attention (I know this topic has been discussed elsewhere and I

first (and last?) crush - p. 3

2007-07-24T22:25:00.000-04:00

Our friendship continued through the fall, winter, spring, and into the following summer. Many late night conversations were had. We shared tastes in music, and similar philosophies on the social work profession. We shopped together (men’s clothing, of course), shared meals together and we shared evenings playing softball (go figure). We never did share sexual intimacy or any kind of physical

first (and last?) crush - p. 2

2007-07-23T20:37:00.000-04:00

As I said before with regards to my relationship with LZ (and to humor my inner child), “She started it!” Yep, she initiated the conversations with me, she asked me for my phone number when I hadn’t even considered the possibility of talking to her outside of work, and 90% of the phone calls made between the two of us started on her end. Of course, for a while she was calling me everyday so it

getting there

2007-07-22T17:29:00.000-04:00

Thanks to the administrator of an online Lds support group for women with sga, I discovered this week that earlier this year the Lds church published a pamphlet directed towards church members experiencing sga, entitled, God Loveth His Children. I’m guessing other sites have mentioned or linked to this pamphlet, but I missed the info. As I read the pamphlet from a critical point of view, I was

first (and last?) crush - p. 1

2007-07-19T20:10:00.000-04:00

(continued from intro) I could write an entire very large chapter of a book on this one relationship and I by no means have any intention or desire to do so. And yet in writing about the experience, I don’t want to water down the story to meaninglessness. Hmmm… what are the basic important facts? What are trivial? Today, I’m tempted to see every aspect of the relationship as trivial due to

the list dwindles

2007-07-18T18:48:00.000-04:00

another LDS friend of mine is now aware of my sexuality. that brings the total up to 3 woman of my faith who have been and continue to be close, personal friends who now know of my sga. that then leaves on my "list" of those with whom I wish to discuss the topic, two more LDS friends, one other friend, and then the biggie - the family. I think I'd like to have this list taken care of by the end

plastic

2007-07-18T18:41:00.000-04:00

I have a few credit cards - six to be exact. If my absolute favorite card (and the only one I actually enjoy having) is the Home Depot credit card, does that mean I'm a lesbian? :)

more thoughts on “m”

2007-07-15T23:04:00.000-04:00

Because the subsequent quote kind of sums up the theme of this post, here’s something I once heard from a fellow church member: Rationalization is like masturbation. You’re just screwing yourself. First let me say - I am absolutely uncomfortable with confrontation and I’m fearful this post is going to sound confrontational. It is so not meant to be. I need

first (and last?) crush...intro

2007-07-15T00:35:00.000-04:00

I keep putting off writing this post (I actually began writing this on the 22nd of April). When I started this blog one of my intentions was to use blogging as a kind of self-therapy and, as part of the self-therapy process, I wanted to write about my "history" of sga related experiences. But this part of my history brings up some hurt and sadness. jeepers, I'm just not very good at handling

ellen

2007-07-12T23:23:00.000-04:00

(big brownie points if you can name the movie with the following exchange) Business Man: (to waiter) If you get called a jerk 4 times in the same day does that make it true?Business Man’s Date: What - only 4, did you get up late?Oriental Waiter: Just 4 times a pattern, it have to be 5 times to be a fact.Business Man’s Date: (to business man) Jerk.