a couple years ago, maybe three now, in response to my then relatively new sorting through of homosexual attractions I made a decision to distance myself emotionally/spiritually from religious application. In general this meant, I put up walls and did not make any conscious efforts to actively apply my religious beliefs within day to day living. Specifically, this meant I stopped attending Relief Society meetings where I had occasionally heard not so charitable remarks made towards homosexuals. I did not stop believing, but I felt it would be somewhat hypocritical to appear to be whole-heartedly participating in religious activity while part of me was convinced I wanted to pursue the possibility of a homosexual relationship (if only briefly).
My desire to create that distance has faded and been basically non-existent for, oh I’d say, about a year. However, habits have a life of their own and don’t much care about the existence of original reasons or desires that precipitated their birth. In brief, I have had difficulty returning to Relief Society meetings despite my now present desire to decrease the distance I created.
About 5 weeks ago, when I had a moment of “ok, this is ridiculous. I’m staying for Relief Society”, I sat in the back of the classroom and watched as a face I had never seen before walked in – a very good looking face attached to an attractive figure. When noticing this woman, the grandmotherly woman sitting next to me whispered to the person sitting on her other side, “Who is that? She’s very cute.” I thought, “Oh, yeah she is.” Before the lesson began, I was thinking, “Really?!! Is this God’s joke’s-on-me-way of getting me to regularly attend this meeting?” Turns out, she had just moved into the area. I thought about not coming back because the last thing I wanted was to find myself attending a religious service just so I could catch a glimpse of someone to whom I felt a physical attraction.
The next week, as I walked around a church hallway corner she was standing half way down the hallway and the sight of her rendered me, for a split second, breathless. Now, this is not a reaction I am prone to have and I was quite frankly surprised by this involuntary response. In fact, I don’t know that I’ve ever had that reaction to anyone before. Since then, I have, each week, remained at church during the Relief Society time slot, though I have not seen her in the past three weeks. Part of me wants to call her up to see how she’s doing, but I think that’s better left to the strictly straight sisters.
